one year.

It's September! I cannot believe how fast this year is going. I feel like just yesterday I was shooting off fireworks celebrating the new year with my family. But apparently that was nine months ago. And a lot has happened in that nine months including celebrating our two year anniversary!

I like September. It means that the weather will be getting cooler soon. The leaves on the trees will be changing colors. Pumpkins will be making an appearance in stores and in all sorts of food. For me, it is a happy time. 

But the fact that it is September means that Dallin and I have been on our journey of trying to have a baby for one year now. It's kind of hard for me to believe that it has already been that long. A year ago we decided to "let whatever happens, happen." We said that after a certain point we would stop trying so that we could get through school. But at the same time I was thinking that it would be happening sooner rather than later. So each month when it didn't happen we decided to try another month. Then we figured out that it just wasn't happening. So, one year later and I am on three different medications to try and help me get pregnant. 

I honestly do not know what two of them do, but I can tell a difference when I do not take them. The other one is called Clomid and I only take it for five days out of the month to stimulate my ovaries and I hate it. The good news is that after bumping my dosage up three times it has finally been successful in helping me ovulate. The bad news is that it makes me so sick that I pass out. So I have to take off work on the days that I know makes me the sickest. And even though I really dislike the medication because of how it makes me feel, I take it anyway because the thought of maybe getting a baby from it is totally worth it to me. 

Month after month for the past year we have gotten negative pregnancy test results. Each time it gets harder and harder. But I try really hard not to dwell on it. I give myself one day to be sad about it and then I have to move on and hope that it will work the next round. Today has been my day to be sad. I went to work thinking that I could pull myself together and be okay, but I am a highly emotional person and I ended up crying at work. Luckily, I have the absolute sweetest supervisor in the world and she is so kind to me. She let me leave a little early today and now my day to be sad is almost up. Tomorrow morning I will put on my happy face and look for all of the positives in our lives like the fact that we graduate in April, we both have really good jobs, we got to go to Alabama and Idaho in August, we explored a cave, we have a wonderful home, we have wonderful friends and family, and we have each other.

So, it's September. Dallin and I are crossing our fingers that maybe this month will be the one that works out for us. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, supportive husband to go through all of this with me. If it wasn't for him I probably would not have any hope. About half-way through the month I start getting really discouraged and he is the one who tells me that fear is the opposite of faith and that there is no reason to lose hope yet because Heavenly Father is on our side. 

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget that He is on our side. It is even easier to forget that I am trying to live by His plan, not by mine. One thing that I know for sure is that my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows Dallin. He knows what we can handle and he knows how badly we want to have a family. He also has a plan for our children. And maybe having a child right now is not the plan that he has in store for us even though that is what I want it to be. I will keep doing what I can to start my family and I will also keep thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings that he has given both Dallin and me. Even though this trial really stinks, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.