i'm grateful.

The past few days have been hard. Like really hard.

It's hard taking classes in the summer when all I want to do is play.

It's hard finding the motivation to study and do homework when my husband gets home from work.

It's hard seeing pictures of pregnancy announcements and babies.

It's hard to put a smile on my face when I learn yet another person I know is having a baby.

It's hard knowing that if I hadn't miscarried in August, I would have a baby too.

It's hard trying to understand why I have certain trials.

Instead of focusing on what's hard, I've chosen to focus on what is good. Because it is a choice. It would be so easy for me to just wallow in the darkness, focusing on the negatives. However, I don't want to do that. I am choosing to look at my trials as blessings and I am choosing to look at the hard times as gifts. I choose to be grateful for all that I have and all that I will have.

School is hard at times. But I have the wonderful opportunity of receiving an education from a wonderful school. It is a gift that not many people can have. I am grateful that I can attend such a great university and learn from outstanding professors.

I don't like having to do homework while my husband gets to play. But I'm learning and growing. And even though I don't get to play as much, I still have my husband by my side. I am so grateful for him and all that he does for me.

I want to cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement. But how wonderful is it that someone has the opportunity to bring a child into the world! They are receiving such a beautiful gift, and while it still kind of sucks, I am grateful for other loving people who have the desire to bring children into this world.

Every time I learn that someone else is pregnant I get a twang of both jealousy and dislike. I'm not really proud of this, but hey, I'm being honest. So if you've announced recently that you are pregnant, chances are I thought about blocking you. This is something that I am really working on. I am trying to love everyone, even if I am a little jealous. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to grow and learn.

If I wouldn't have had a miscarriage in August I would have had a baby last month. This is one of the hardest. And seeing a negative pregnancy test month after month does not help either. One thing Dallin likes to tell me is that our baby will be the most loved baby ever. And I know this is true. While I wish we had a baby now, I know there is a reason we don't. Because we want a baby so badly, I know he or she will be so loved whenever it does happen. For this I am grateful. Whenever I get angry with my children in my future I will be able to look back on these times and remember how much I wanted it and remember that every child we have is a gift.

I really do not know why anyone has the trials that they do. I don't know why Dallin and I have been struggling to have a baby. But I do know that I have something to learn from all of this. The Lord knows what is best for me, and I trust that. Out of trials come many blessgings. With the Lord by my side I will be able to make it through anything, and I know without faith and prayer I wouldn't have made it this far. I am grateful for all the trials my husband and I have because I know they will help us be where the Lord needs us to be.

I am also really grateful that through all of these trials I have been able to strengthen my relationship with both my husband and with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My husband holds me when I cry and laughs at me when I say something dumb. He listens to me express my frustrations and tells me everything will turn out okay. When I need peace in my life I know I can turn to the Savior in prayer. My questions may not always get answered, but I do get the wonderful feeling of peace that let's me know everything will indeed turn out right. I am learning to rely on the Lord more and more through all of this, and for that I will be eternally grateful.