finding joy on the journey.

I cannot believe that it is already October. Where did September go? But at least it is officially fall! 

I went into the month of September with high hopes. I had a doctor's appointment at the beginning of the month where my doctor, Dallin, and I all talked about what else we could possibly do to try and conceive. When we left that appointment we felt really good about everything. I had a second appointment set to go in for an ultrasound to look at my follicles (eggs) and if they were the right size I was going to get a shot to force ovulation. After what felt like forever I had the appointment. I was so excited about it because I thought for sure I would be getting the shot. Well, about 15 minutes into the ultrasound the technician doing it started asking me about cysts, if I had had one before and where it was located. She then informed me that I had a 6 centimeter cyst in my left ovary. That was not what I wanted to hear. I left that appointment very disappointed. It took awhile to process the information, but after I did I had a little meltdown. 

I spent a lot of time on my knees when I finished crying and after awhile a calming peace came over me. I knew everything would be okay. 


The rest of the month went by as usual. School, work, family, and friends. The first two weeks of September were not very good for me, but I made sure that the rest of it was great. I was genuinely happy and having a good time.

Last weekend was the first weekend in October. That is always a special time because The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has their general conference, and oh my goodness it was such a wonderful conference! 

While I can apply every single talk given to my life, there were two in particular that I really appreciated. The first talk was given by Elder Evan A. Schmutz titled "God Shall Wipe Away All Tears." As he was talking about trials and tribulations he stated, "Many of us have pleaded with God to remove the cause of our suffering, and when the relief we seek has not come, we have been tempted to think He is not listening. I testify that, even in those moments, He hears our prayers, and has a reason for allowing our afflictions to continue, and will help us bear them." These words really stood out to me. There are many times that I have felt this way. I have pleaded so many times for something that so many are able to accomplish on their own without intervention. 

Struggling to get pregnant has been the hardest thing that I have had to deal with in my life, and a lot of the time it can make me really sad. In fact I have deleted social media apps from my phone to prevent me from seeing pregnancy announcements and pregnancy updates that would most likely make me very sad. 

At conference, President Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk that helped me remember that I can have joy even though this has been a very difficult journey.  He said, "Life is filled with detours and dead ends, trials and challenges of every kind. Each of us has likely had times when distress, anguish, and despair almost consumed us. Yet we are here to have joy? Yes! The answer is a resounding yes!" He then later said, "My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. When the focus of our lives is on God's plan of salvation and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives. Joy comes because of Him. He is the source of all joy."

The words that these men spoke was exactly what I needed to hear. While it does not always make it easier, I can find peace, comfort, and joy in my Savior, Jesus Christ. And that is exactly what I plan to do. 

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday where they did a follow-up ultrasound. I still have the 6 centimeter cyst in my left ovary and they also found a new 3 centimeter cyst in my right ovary. This time, I took the news a lot better. Once again, it was not what I wanted to hear, but I still had the peace that everything would be okay and the knowledge that I can have joy. 

I do not know what the future hold for Dallin and me. I do not know when we will be able to start our family. I do not know where we will be working when we graduate. I do not know what our life will look like six months from now or a year from now.

But I do know a few things. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my Father in Heaven. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I know that heavenly promises are always kept.