peace.

In March I took a pregnancy test. To my surprise, the test was positive. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test in months because I always knew that it would be negative and soon after taking the test my period would start. So I just stopped taking them. Until March. 

It was such a weird feeling looking at the test and seeing two lines. It was so faint that I thought maybe I was tricking myself. I woke Dallin up to make sure I wasn't seeing things. After he put his contacts in, he told me that he was pretty sure he saw a second line as well. 

I had been waiting for that moment for so long. I had so many different emotions trying to fight through. I called the doctor as soon as I could and went in for a blood test. Sure enough, the blood test came back positive. I was excited, nervous, and a little bit of a wreck.

Unfortunately, a week after taking the test I started to have some heavy bleeding. I had gone into the doctor's office that morning and they had done some more blood work. But the call I got from the doctor was not reassuring. She told me that I was most likely having a miscarriage. 

We were absolutely devastated.

I went in to the doctor's office a week later for a check-up and they confirmed the miscarriage. 

However, in the midst of the sadness I found an overwhelming peace. I knew that I was going to be okay. I knew that everything was going to work out. I did not know how or when everything would work out, but I did recognize the peace that I had asked my Father in Heaven for when he gave it to me. He blessed me with the comfort that I so needed. 

And, to my surprise, a month later He showed me just how everything would work out. For some reason I felt like I should take another pregnancy test. It had not even been a full month since my miscarriage. But I took the test anyway. 

The test was positive. Again. 

At first I feared that I might have another miscarriage. But I pushed the fear out and listened to what I was really feeling:

Peace. 

I had a sense of peace and comfort that I did not have with the previous pregnancy. And I have had that peace with me every day of this pregnancy. We still take things day by day. But I know my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ take on each day with me. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of their love for me. 

After trying for over a year and a half and after two miscarriages we are incredibly happy and grateful to be where we are now. Dallin and I are so excited to meet our precious little miracle this December! 

it's okay.

Normally when I write a blog post it is because something has been weighing on my mind and I feel like I just need to get it out. Even before I start writing I pretty much know what I am going to say. This time is a little different though. Instead of having one topic weighing on my mind and writing about it, I have had a million things on my mind and no clue what I want to say. When I mentioned it to my husband he told me just to start writing and it will come to me. I'm not one of those people though. I have to have a plan and I have to have an outline. So I mulled it over for a few days and I think I finally know what I want to say.

The past few weeks have been hard. I am normally sad when, once again, we have another negative pregnancy test. However, this time around it has been harder than it has been in a long time. I am not exactly sure why. Dallin says maybe because I had really high hopes this past month. That could be it. But I do not know for sure. I just know that it has been hard. And I have felt really bad because it has been hard. I feel like I shouldn't be struggling this much. I feel like I don't really have a right to be this sad because I have only been trying to conceive for a year and half where other people have been trying for 5-10 years. I feel like I shouldn't be sad anymore and I should just be happy.

I have been struggling with these feelings for about two weeks now. The only person I have confided in about them is my wonderful husband. And he has been an absolute rock star. He has held me too many times to count while I have just cried. He has been the one person to always validate my feelings and let me know that I am okay.

The other day in one of my classes we were talking about positive psychology and happiness. My professor, who is a psychologist, said how people are always saying "choose to be happy," but that this isn't really true. He went on to say that you cannot choose to be happy, you can choose to control your thoughts which can influence your emotions, but your emotions are your emotions and it is hard to change that.

Little does my professor know that that is exactly what I needed to hear. I had been trying so hard to be happy all of the time, and it wasn't working. What he said brought me a lot of peace and validation. Just like Dallin had told me that I was okay and it was okay to feel what I was feeling, I felt like my professor had just done the same thing. 

This isn't to say that I am going to be sad all of the time. I am not going to just wallow in my feelings and think the thoughts that can trigger the sad emotions. But it is to say that I am okay. And not being happy all of the time is okay.

As I have reached the end of what I really want to say, I have realized that it is not at all what I had planned to say. But I think it is exactly what I needed to say. I had planned to talk about how we celebrate our own little victories on our infertility journey. But maybe I will save that for another time. I guess once again my husband was right, I just needed to start writing. I should probably know by now my plans don't really work out the way I want them to anyway.

finding joy on the journey.

I cannot believe that it is already October. Where did September go? But at least it is officially fall! 

I went into the month of September with high hopes. I had a doctor's appointment at the beginning of the month where my doctor, Dallin, and I all talked about what else we could possibly do to try and conceive. When we left that appointment we felt really good about everything. I had a second appointment set to go in for an ultrasound to look at my follicles (eggs) and if they were the right size I was going to get a shot to force ovulation. After what felt like forever I had the appointment. I was so excited about it because I thought for sure I would be getting the shot. Well, about 15 minutes into the ultrasound the technician doing it started asking me about cysts, if I had had one before and where it was located. She then informed me that I had a 6 centimeter cyst in my left ovary. That was not what I wanted to hear. I left that appointment very disappointed. It took awhile to process the information, but after I did I had a little meltdown. 

I spent a lot of time on my knees when I finished crying and after awhile a calming peace came over me. I knew everything would be okay. 


The rest of the month went by as usual. School, work, family, and friends. The first two weeks of September were not very good for me, but I made sure that the rest of it was great. I was genuinely happy and having a good time.

Last weekend was the first weekend in October. That is always a special time because The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has their general conference, and oh my goodness it was such a wonderful conference! 

While I can apply every single talk given to my life, there were two in particular that I really appreciated. The first talk was given by Elder Evan A. Schmutz titled "God Shall Wipe Away All Tears." As he was talking about trials and tribulations he stated, "Many of us have pleaded with God to remove the cause of our suffering, and when the relief we seek has not come, we have been tempted to think He is not listening. I testify that, even in those moments, He hears our prayers, and has a reason for allowing our afflictions to continue, and will help us bear them." These words really stood out to me. There are many times that I have felt this way. I have pleaded so many times for something that so many are able to accomplish on their own without intervention. 

Struggling to get pregnant has been the hardest thing that I have had to deal with in my life, and a lot of the time it can make me really sad. In fact I have deleted social media apps from my phone to prevent me from seeing pregnancy announcements and pregnancy updates that would most likely make me very sad. 

At conference, President Russell M. Nelson gave a wonderful talk that helped me remember that I can have joy even though this has been a very difficult journey.  He said, "Life is filled with detours and dead ends, trials and challenges of every kind. Each of us has likely had times when distress, anguish, and despair almost consumed us. Yet we are here to have joy? Yes! The answer is a resounding yes!" He then later said, "My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. When the focus of our lives is on God's plan of salvation and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening--or not happening--in our lives. Joy comes because of Him. He is the source of all joy."

The words that these men spoke was exactly what I needed to hear. While it does not always make it easier, I can find peace, comfort, and joy in my Savior, Jesus Christ. And that is exactly what I plan to do. 

I had another doctor's appointment yesterday where they did a follow-up ultrasound. I still have the 6 centimeter cyst in my left ovary and they also found a new 3 centimeter cyst in my right ovary. This time, I took the news a lot better. Once again, it was not what I wanted to hear, but I still had the peace that everything would be okay and the knowledge that I can have joy. 

I do not know what the future hold for Dallin and me. I do not know when we will be able to start our family. I do not know where we will be working when we graduate. I do not know what our life will look like six months from now or a year from now.

But I do know a few things. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my Father in Heaven. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. And I know that heavenly promises are always kept. 

one year.

It's September! I cannot believe how fast this year is going. I feel like just yesterday I was shooting off fireworks celebrating the new year with my family. But apparently that was nine months ago. And a lot has happened in that nine months including celebrating our two year anniversary!

I like September. It means that the weather will be getting cooler soon. The leaves on the trees will be changing colors. Pumpkins will be making an appearance in stores and in all sorts of food. For me, it is a happy time. 

But the fact that it is September means that Dallin and I have been on our journey of trying to have a baby for one year now. It's kind of hard for me to believe that it has already been that long. A year ago we decided to "let whatever happens, happen." We said that after a certain point we would stop trying so that we could get through school. But at the same time I was thinking that it would be happening sooner rather than later. So each month when it didn't happen we decided to try another month. Then we figured out that it just wasn't happening. So, one year later and I am on three different medications to try and help me get pregnant. 

I honestly do not know what two of them do, but I can tell a difference when I do not take them. The other one is called Clomid and I only take it for five days out of the month to stimulate my ovaries and I hate it. The good news is that after bumping my dosage up three times it has finally been successful in helping me ovulate. The bad news is that it makes me so sick that I pass out. So I have to take off work on the days that I know makes me the sickest. And even though I really dislike the medication because of how it makes me feel, I take it anyway because the thought of maybe getting a baby from it is totally worth it to me. 

Month after month for the past year we have gotten negative pregnancy test results. Each time it gets harder and harder. But I try really hard not to dwell on it. I give myself one day to be sad about it and then I have to move on and hope that it will work the next round. Today has been my day to be sad. I went to work thinking that I could pull myself together and be okay, but I am a highly emotional person and I ended up crying at work. Luckily, I have the absolute sweetest supervisor in the world and she is so kind to me. She let me leave a little early today and now my day to be sad is almost up. Tomorrow morning I will put on my happy face and look for all of the positives in our lives like the fact that we graduate in April, we both have really good jobs, we got to go to Alabama and Idaho in August, we explored a cave, we have a wonderful home, we have wonderful friends and family, and we have each other.

So, it's September. Dallin and I are crossing our fingers that maybe this month will be the one that works out for us. I am so grateful to have my wonderful, supportive husband to go through all of this with me. If it wasn't for him I probably would not have any hope. About half-way through the month I start getting really discouraged and he is the one who tells me that fear is the opposite of faith and that there is no reason to lose hope yet because Heavenly Father is on our side. 

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget that He is on our side. It is even easier to forget that I am trying to live by His plan, not by mine. One thing that I know for sure is that my Father in Heaven knows me. He knows Dallin. He knows what we can handle and he knows how badly we want to have a family. He also has a plan for our children. And maybe having a child right now is not the plan that he has in store for us even though that is what I want it to be. I will keep doing what I can to start my family and I will also keep thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings that he has given both Dallin and me. Even though this trial really stinks, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning. 

i'm grateful.

The past few days have been hard. Like really hard.

It's hard taking classes in the summer when all I want to do is play.

It's hard finding the motivation to study and do homework when my husband gets home from work.

It's hard seeing pictures of pregnancy announcements and babies.

It's hard to put a smile on my face when I learn yet another person I know is having a baby.

It's hard knowing that if I hadn't miscarried in August, I would have a baby too.

It's hard trying to understand why I have certain trials.

Instead of focusing on what's hard, I've chosen to focus on what is good. Because it is a choice. It would be so easy for me to just wallow in the darkness, focusing on the negatives. However, I don't want to do that. I am choosing to look at my trials as blessings and I am choosing to look at the hard times as gifts. I choose to be grateful for all that I have and all that I will have.

School is hard at times. But I have the wonderful opportunity of receiving an education from a wonderful school. It is a gift that not many people can have. I am grateful that I can attend such a great university and learn from outstanding professors.

I don't like having to do homework while my husband gets to play. But I'm learning and growing. And even though I don't get to play as much, I still have my husband by my side. I am so grateful for him and all that he does for me.

I want to cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement. But how wonderful is it that someone has the opportunity to bring a child into the world! They are receiving such a beautiful gift, and while it still kind of sucks, I am grateful for other loving people who have the desire to bring children into this world.

Every time I learn that someone else is pregnant I get a twang of both jealousy and dislike. I'm not really proud of this, but hey, I'm being honest. So if you've announced recently that you are pregnant, chances are I thought about blocking you. This is something that I am really working on. I am trying to love everyone, even if I am a little jealous. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to grow and learn.

If I wouldn't have had a miscarriage in August I would have had a baby last month. This is one of the hardest. And seeing a negative pregnancy test month after month does not help either. One thing Dallin likes to tell me is that our baby will be the most loved baby ever. And I know this is true. While I wish we had a baby now, I know there is a reason we don't. Because we want a baby so badly, I know he or she will be so loved whenever it does happen. For this I am grateful. Whenever I get angry with my children in my future I will be able to look back on these times and remember how much I wanted it and remember that every child we have is a gift.

I really do not know why anyone has the trials that they do. I don't know why Dallin and I have been struggling to have a baby. But I do know that I have something to learn from all of this. The Lord knows what is best for me, and I trust that. Out of trials come many blessgings. With the Lord by my side I will be able to make it through anything, and I know without faith and prayer I wouldn't have made it this far. I am grateful for all the trials my husband and I have because I know they will help us be where the Lord needs us to be.

I am also really grateful that through all of these trials I have been able to strengthen my relationship with both my husband and with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My husband holds me when I cry and laughs at me when I say something dumb. He listens to me express my frustrations and tells me everything will turn out okay. When I need peace in my life I know I can turn to the Savior in prayer. My questions may not always get answered, but I do get the wonderful feeling of peace that let's me know everything will indeed turn out right. I am learning to rely on the Lord more and more through all of this, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

the past seven months.

I used to be pretty good at blogging. Sure it was only when I was out of the country or about to leave the country, but I was still diligent about doing my blogging, and who wouldn't love writing about the country they were in or the places they were visiting?

Many, many things have happened since my last real blog post. I was in Lithuania the last time I wrote a real blog post. I was in a beautiful country with some pretty adorable kids. A month after I got home I met my amazing husband, Dallin. He was completely unexpected and exactly what I needed. I am so thankful for him every single day. He makes me so happy and I am so lucky to have him by my side for the rest of forever. 

I would say that my life has been pretty uneventful since that last post, but I guess that would not be entirely true. I think most of the time I either thought that what was going on was too personal or that no one would care so why put it out there. 

But I kind of just decided that it doesn't matter. If it is something that is important to me or something that means something to me, why not write about it? Whether it is something trivial like what I learned in class or something bigger and personal that I want to express my feelings about. If I care about it, I can write about it, and sometimes that is the best outlet that people can have. Plus I can always hope that someone will learn something from me. 

Over the past two years there have been a few things that I have considered blogging about. 
Like getting married at 20. 
Or finally picking a major. 
Or being almost done with college. 
Or the adventures I have with my husband.
Or having a miscarriage. 
Or trying to get pregnant. 

The latter two are the ones that I have been thinking about most recently because they are the ones that are affecting my life at the moment. 

Last August I found out I was pregnant. Five pregnancy tests told me so. We had not planned for it, but we were still so excited. A week later it all went away. The plans I was making. The pins I was pinning. The outfits I was falling in love with. The cribs that were so adorable. All of that went away with a miscarriage. At that time my best friend gave me some great advice. She told me to feel however I felt. She said that I could be sad and I could cry and not to let anyone influence how I felt. So I listened to that. 

I was heartbroken. I wanted that little baby so badly. 

It took me awhile to be okay, but I made it there. Luckily I had both work and school to keep my busy most of the time. I also had my husband who was and still is my rock. 


After the miscarriage, Dallin and I decided that we wanted to start a family. At first it was a "whatever happens, happens" type thing. We were not going to try to prevent it. 

Then September and October passed. I went to the doctor at the end of October because my cycle was almost at 50 days with nothing. And if I wasn't having a period then I wasn't ovulating, and if I wasn't ovulating then I couldn't get pregnant. So I went in and they did all sorts of blood work and gave me some medicine to induce my period. 

A week later I got a call from them telling me that from my blood work it looked like I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I had only heard things about PCOS and none of them were good, so it really scared me. I was then prescribed two different medications that would hopefully help regulate my hormones. I was supposed to slowly increase dosage on one of my medications, but unfortunately it made me really sick. Like pass out at work throwing up sick. So I had to stick with the really low dosage. 

The medicine seemed to be doing what it was supposed to when my period came on its own in December. Then in January. Which was both great and crappy at the same time. My period coming meant that my hormones were kind of leveling out, but it also meant that I still wasn't pregnant. 

At my appointment in October, my doctor had mentioned putting me on some fertility medications in order to help me ovulate. So I went back to the doctor in January to talk to them about that and see what they wanted to do. In early February I started Femara (yes, I know Clomid is what people normally start with, and I'm not sure why they chose Femara for me, but they did). I followed all of the instructions and did everything I was supposed to. 

A week and a half after I finished the Femara my ovaries started hurting. Both of them. They would take turns going between the two, and it was more annoying pain than anything. By Friday the pain had gotten really bad, so I called my doctor and they sent me to have an ultrasound. After the ultrasound I was having mini panic attacks because the tech said she was going to call my doctor so she could tell me what was going on. This did not sit well with me. And I thought I was dying. 

But I was being dramatic because that happens sometimes and it turned out that I had/have a 2 centimeter cyst on my left ovary. They said to keep track of the pain and if it ruptured great, but if it didn't then I would have to do a round of birth control. Hearing that made me feel like we were taking two steps back. A) I hated being on birth control the first time because it caused problems for me. B) It would be a whole month that we wouldn't be able to try to get pregnant. And since my cycle is 30-35 days it already limits how many times I ovulate a year.

So that is basically where I am at now. I don't think the cyst ruptured, so I am on a round of birth control. I'm not really sure what it does exactly, but it is supposed to help the cyst somehow. 

I understand that my husband and I have not been trying very long. And I understand that some people think that I shouldn't even be taking Femara or Clomid yet. But to me, it feels like a long time. And it frustrates me that my body is not doing what it is supposed to be doing. And whether you have been trying for 5 months or 5 years, it sucks. I think that is something that we can all agree on.

There are two things that I have tried really hard to remember through all of this, and they go hand in hand. 

The first is that it is not always about what I want. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, said some words that I try to remind myself of daily. As Christ was suffering in Gethsemane he pleaded with the Father saying "...if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42)

The second is that everyone has trials. And this may very well be one of mine. But I need to learn to be thankful for my trials because I am meant to learn something from them. Although I want this trial to be over, it is not my will that matters. In the end, the Lord's plan is better than my plan. And by humbling myself and following what he wants me to do, I will be blessed. 

[I added in pictures of Dallin and me because I love him and even though the past little while has been hard, we still have a blast together. And who doesn't love pictures?]

Cotopaxi Questival!

hitting up the Capitol building bright eyed and bushy tailed. #questival #bijelikruh #QSLC