Many, many things have happened since my last real blog post. I was in Lithuania the last time I wrote a real blog post. I was in a beautiful country with some pretty adorable kids. A month after I got home I met my amazing husband, Dallin. He was completely unexpected and exactly what I needed. I am so thankful for him every single day. He makes me so happy and I am so lucky to have him by my side for the rest of forever. I would say that my life has been pretty uneventful since that last post, but I guess that would not be entirely true. I think most of the time I either thought that what was going on was too personal or that no one would care so why put it out there.
But I kind of just decided that it doesn't matter. If it is something that is important to me or something that means something to me, why not write about it? Whether it is something trivial like what I learned in class or something bigger and personal that I want to express my feelings about. If I care about it, I can write about it, and sometimes that is the best outlet that people can have. Plus I can always hope that someone will learn something from me.
Over the past two years there have been a few things that I have considered blogging about.
Like getting married at 20.
Or finally picking a major.
Or being almost done with college.
Or the adventures I have with my husband.
Or having a miscarriage.
Or trying to get pregnant.
The latter two are the ones that I have been thinking about most recently because they are the ones that are affecting my life at the moment.
Last August I found out I was pregnant. Five pregnancy tests told me so. We had not planned for it, but we were still so excited. A week later it all went away. The plans I was making. The pins I was pinning. The outfits I was falling in love with. The cribs that were so adorable. All of that went away with a miscarriage. At that time my best friend gave me some great advice. She told me to feel however I felt. She said that I could be sad and I could cry and not to let anyone influence how I felt. So I listened to that.
I was heartbroken. I wanted that little baby so badly.
It took me awhile to be okay, but I made it there. Luckily I had both work and school to keep my busy most of the time. I also had my husband who was and still is my rock.
After the miscarriage, Dallin and I decided that we wanted to start a family. At first it was a "whatever happens, happens" type thing. We were not going to try to prevent it.
Then September and October passed. I went to the doctor at the end of October because my cycle was almost at 50 days with nothing. And if I wasn't having a period then I wasn't ovulating, and if I wasn't ovulating then I couldn't get pregnant. So I went in and they did all sorts of blood work and gave me some medicine to induce my period.
A week later I got a call from them telling me that from my blood work it looked like I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I had only heard things about PCOS and none of them were good, so it really scared me. I was then prescribed two different medications that would hopefully help regulate my hormones. I was supposed to slowly increase dosage on one of my medications, but unfortunately it made me really sick. Like pass out at work throwing up sick. So I had to stick with the really low dosage.
The medicine seemed to be doing what it was supposed to when my period came on its own in December. Then in January. Which was both great and crappy at the same time. My period coming meant that my hormones were kind of leveling out, but it also meant that I still wasn't pregnant.
At my appointment in October, my doctor had mentioned putting me on some fertility medications in order to help me ovulate. So I went back to the doctor in January to talk to them about that and see what they wanted to do. In early February I started Femara (yes, I know Clomid is what people normally start with, and I'm not sure why they chose Femara for me, but they did). I followed all of the instructions and did everything I was supposed to.
A week and a half after I finished the Femara my ovaries started hurting. Both of them. They would take turns going between the two, and it was more annoying pain than anything. By Friday the pain had gotten really bad, so I called my doctor and they sent me to have an ultrasound. After the ultrasound I was having mini panic attacks because the tech said she was going to call my doctor so she could tell me what was going on. This did not sit well with me. And I thought I was dying.
But I was being dramatic because that happens sometimes and it turned out that I had/have a 2 centimeter cyst on my left ovary. They said to keep track of the pain and if it ruptured great, but if it didn't then I would have to do a round of birth control. Hearing that made me feel like we were taking two steps back. A) I hated being on birth control the first time because it caused problems for me. B) It would be a whole month that we wouldn't be able to try to get pregnant. And since my cycle is 30-35 days it already limits how many times I ovulate a year.
So that is basically where I am at now. I don't think the cyst ruptured, so I am on a round of birth control. I'm not really sure what it does exactly, but it is supposed to help the cyst somehow.
I understand that my husband and I have not been trying very long. And I understand that some people think that I shouldn't even be taking Femara or Clomid yet. But to me, it feels like a long time. And it frustrates me that my body is not doing what it is supposed to be doing. And whether you have been trying for 5 months or 5 years, it sucks. I think that is something that we can all agree on.
There are two things that I have tried really hard to remember through all of this, and they go hand in hand.
The first is that it is not always about what I want. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, said some words that I try to remind myself of daily. As Christ was suffering in Gethsemane he pleaded with the Father saying "...if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42)The second is that everyone has trials. And this may very well be one of mine. But I need to learn to be thankful for my trials because I am meant to learn something from them. Although I want this trial to be over, it is not my will that matters. In the end, the Lord's plan is better than my plan. And by humbling myself and following what he wants me to do, I will be blessed.
[I added in pictures of Dallin and me because I love him and even though the past little while has been hard, we still have a blast together. And who doesn't love pictures?]
